The Link Between Social Anxiety and Self-Sabotage
Yes, I’m an introvert by nature, but recently I found myself developing more and more feelings and behaviors that looked like social anxiety, into adulthood. I became aware that the “I’m too busy to grow my circle of friends” way of thinking was me simply avoiding the small talk that has to happen in order to make new, meaningful connections. Professionally, I was using the “I have somewhere else to be” excuse more frequently, even if I didn’t. Interestingly, while public speaking is a large component of my career that I’ve had to become pretty comfortable with, it was the unstructured, smaller gatherings, meetings, and mingling that I would avoid as much as possible. The places that would require unscripted conversations became more and more uncomfortable, and my avoidance tendencies were on point, and for some, maybe unnoticeable. Nearing the end of my master's in psychology program, I had hopes of pursuing a career shift, and I knew that in order to have the confidence and courage to do this, something had to change. I could no longer avoid social gatherings and professional networking, so I looked to hypnotherapy, specifically Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT), with hopes of regaining control over something that I felt may be worsening with age.
Through the hypnotherapy process and having regressed to various important scenes and events that my mind highlighted during the course of three RTT sessions, I discovered that while my childhood was nearly perfect (huge shout-out to mom and dad!), I was still being impacted by specific events in high school that proved to be very challenging socially and emotionally. This may sound silly…Surely, after all this time, I had either worked through them or let it go, right? I was shocked. My eyes were finally opened to the fact that I had developed limiting beliefs years ago about who I was as a person that led me to make these agreements with myself, agreements that were still driving my behavior as an adult: It is most definitely safer to stay out of the spotlight, and I am much better off situating myself in the corner, quiet and unseen, away from scrutiny or judgement.
Needless to say, I’ve moved past that cruel chapter, but what I’ve recently learned through the RTT process was a game-changer: Even though I was no longer around the people, places, or situations that made me feel judged, embarrassed, fearful, and unworthy, those beliefs and agreements I made with myself long ago would still remain in my subconscious mind, impacting the way I perceive myself and social situations even into adulthood. You see, your situation may change, but if you’ve not updated the beliefs that shape the way you think about yourself and your situation, nothing has really changed, has it?
Here I was, in my forties, still avoiding small talk for fear of embarrassment, still avoiding networking for fear of rejection, and still avoiding mingling for fear of judgement. This doesn’t make me unique, as most of us have a healthy fear of looking or sounding stupid in front of others, but when we take action to understand where those feelings are uniquely rooted in us, we get to begin to claim responsibility for the self-sabotaging behaviors that may exist because of it, and that allows us to regain control over our outcomes. If you’re finally ready to ditch these detrimental patterns, you must first recognize and understand the connection.
The intricate relationship between social anxiety and self-sabotage creates a self-defeating cycle that stunts personal growth and your own emotional well-being. Chances are, if you’re taking the time to read this blog post, you likely experience intense fear of social interactions and situations, excessive self-consciousness, fear of negative evaluation, and dread of embarrassment. It’s no question that these feelings significantly impact relationships, work opportunities, and personal growth, hence the link to self-sabotage.
Self-sabotage encompasses behaviors that hinder personal progress and well-being. In the context of social anxiety, self-sabotaging behaviors look like: avoidance of social situations, negative self-talk, a whole lot of self-criticism, and reluctance to step out of that darn comfort zone. These behaviors are rooted in a fear of failure, rejection, or judgment, which just reinforces the cycle of social anxiety and perpetuates negative self-beliefs.
Additionally, selective attention to negative social cues and distorted thinking patterns also reinforces negative self-perception. Safety behaviors, such as avoiding eye contact, removing yourself completely from the situation, or rehashing perceived failed conversations, perpetuates social anxiety by confirming the belief that you are indeed incapable of successful social interactions. Your mind will believe what you repeatedly tell it, and it will continuously seek out the proof to reinforce that belief.
Lastly, the fear of rejection is a driving force behind social anxiety and self-sabotage. If you’re actively anticipating rejection or harsh judgement, it’s no wonder that you would tend to avoid social situations or simply remove yourself when feelings of fear or inadequacy become more than you feel like you can handle. These repeated avoidance behaviors hinder the development of effective social skills, maintaining the cycle of self-sabotage, and the belief that you are unable or unworthy of positive and fulfilling social interactions and connections.
My personal experience with working on eliminating social anxiety has helped me understand that until I became aware of the underlying, outdated beliefs that were driving most of my thoughts and behaviors, I was going to keep self-sabotaging, by thinking and doing things that kept me in the corner, out of the spotlight, and unseen. Hypnotherapy (RTT) helped me challenge negative thought patterns, develop more balanced thinking, reinforce positive self-talk, and to gradually face, and even embrace, social situations that I used to avoid.
By recognizing that I am no longer in the same situation as the 16-year-old me, I can easily understand and recognize these uncomfortable feelings when they start to appear, and quickly reframe them as irrelevant and unhelpful for my situation today. It takes practice, but with time I have found that I can simply say to myself “Oh, there’s that thing I used to do,” and move forward with less fear. Because I now understand the root, the cause, and the reason for it, I now get to choose how that affects me today.
Try this: Label your social anxiety as a self-sabotaging behavior. List the ways in which this behavior impacts your personal and professional life. How is this behavior keeping you small, stuck, and the same? Now ask yourself if you are willing to take responsibility for this behavior, by taking the action necessary to both understand it and change it.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” - 1 Peter 5:7
***This blog is not meant to replace an official diagnosis of either social anxiety or social phobia by a medical professional.