Can Boundaries Actually Improve Relationships?
If done with care, intentionality, and consistency, yes, boundaries can actually improve a strained relationship. Skeptical? Keep reading.
Setting boundaries with a parent, loved one, friend, or co-worker can be challenging but necessary. Typically, boundaries are first put in place for personal growth, but when done correctly, setting boundaries can also help maintain more healthy relationships. Feeling like you need some relationship boundaries for improved well-being? Here are some practical steps to help you in the process:
1. Reflect on your needs first: Take time to identify what boundaries you need to set. Understand your own limits, values, and what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in your interactions. Be brutally honest with yourself in this step. Avoid the pitfall of speculating what the needs of others are, as you don’t really know, and this step is still about you.
2. Communicate clearly and assertively: Choose an appropriate time and place to have an open and honest conversation with the other person. Avoid the supermarket line or your cousin’s wedding. Clearly express your feelings, needs, and the boundaries you wish to establish. And this is a big one - use "I" statements to avoid sounding accusatory. “When this happens, I feel…” comes across much more collaborative than “You make me feel when…” I used this tool repeatedly while coaching 5th grade girls on how to express themselves more effectively to their peers, and it’s clear that simply tweaking the language can do wonders for better outcomes.
3. Be specific and provide examples: Clearly define the behaviors or actions that cross your boundaries, again, being mindful of using less accusatory language. Use specific examples to illustrate your concerns and how they affect you. This helps the other person understand the impact their actions have on you and may create an element of empathy. Here’s a real-life example of a boundary I needed to set with a colleague: “Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed with work and personal commitments, and I realize I need to set some boundaries to prioritize my well-being around rest and self-care. Can you kindly not text or call me about work after 8 pm, unless it’s urgent?”
4. Stay firm and consistent: Maintaining consistency once you set boundaries in a relationship is the key ingredient to facilitating the change you seek. Be firm in enforcing them and avoid compromising them just to keep the peace. This may be challenging at first, but consistency will help establish the new dynamic. Without consistency, you can be sure that nothing changes. That’s just a good general rule for anything you wish to change in life, like learning a new skill, losing weight, or establishing a new healthy habit.
5. Be prepared for resistance: This is a big one - The other person may initially resist or challenge the boundaries you set, and they probably will, but it’s your choice (and well within your ability) to stay calm and respectful while standing your ground. When you can do this, you will be much more effective in your mission to set healthy boundaries. Reiterate your reasons for the boundaries and remind them that it's for the benefit of both parties and the relationship as a whole. Remember, you can’t control their reaction to this boundary setting, but what you can control is YOUR reaction to their reaction. Read that again if you need to;)
6. Seek support if needed: If you find it difficult to navigate this process alone, consider seeking support for guidance, perspective, and coping strategies during this transition. The inability to set healthy boundaries may stem from deep-rooted subconscious beliefs or fears that stunt assertiveness and self-advocacy. These beliefs could be due to past experiences, conditioning, or a fear of conflict or rejection. By working at the subconscious level, hypnosis can aid in breaking free from limiting patterns, while fostering the confidence and inner strength to find your voice again and move on to setting and mainlining healthy boundaries. I can help.
Remember, setting boundaries is about establishing a healthy balance in your relationship. It may take time for both of you to adjust, but ultimately it can lead to a more respectful and fulfilling connection, and a healthier, happier you.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”- Proverbs 4:23