Stepping Out: Unlearning Agreements You’ve Made With Yourself
Here’s a ::mind blown:: moment for me: I was at a wellness conference recently, and the brilliant speaker, Andrew Sykes, said “The story we tell ourselves is our only future, because it’s what we live into every day, as our well-rehearsed character.”
Wow, right? I hearted and starred and underlined this quote in my notes because I believe it’s such a gut-punch perspective around the power of choice. Because if we’re not careful, tomorrow is just the same set and backdrop we continue to step into, and the role we choose to continually take in that same story. Now, this is totally great if you’re happy with your current circumstances…you’re killing it, so keep that up. But if you’re like most of my clients who want to make some changes but are finding it hard to get unstuck, let’s keep going here.
So, what are these so-called agreements and how are they shaping our story? Simply put, they're the rules we've unconsciously set for ourselves based on past experiences, family or societal pressures, and other external influences. It’s those little voices in our heads that say things like "I'm not good enough" or "I’m not deserving of that thing I want" or “That’s just not who I am.” Sound familiar? Of course it does, and these agreements can have a big impact on how we show up (or don’t) in our life.
But here's the thing: These agreements aren’t always based on facts, which means, they’re not set in stone. Yes, often these self-imposed rules and parameters we’ve set up for ourselves are merely based on perceptions and assumptions, and often driven by fear-based thinking. At some point these were learned looping thoughts, based on experience, which means you can unlearn them, too.
Are you ready to unlearn those agreements that aren’t serving your best interest? You can, and here’s how:
1. Commit to Telling Yourself a Better Story: Believe that you have the power to challenge unhelpful agreements and rewrite the story of yourself and your circumstance. Know that neuroscience allows for new, more helpful beliefs and agreements to take hold in your mind through repetition and consistency. The mind cannot hold two competing beliefs simultaneously, so by learning a new dialogue, you unlearn the old, outdated and unhelpful story.
2. Recognize Your Agreements: Start by tuning in to your inner dialogue. Notice any recurring thoughts or beliefs that hold you back or make you feel small. These are likely the agreements you've made with yourself that need updating. Make a list of these…all of them.
3. Question Their Validity: Take a closer look at these agreements and ask yourself: Are they really true? Are they based on facts or assumptions? Do they come from a place of fear? Dig deep here and challenge your own thinking.
4. Consider Alternative Perspectives: Challenge your agreements by considering alternative viewpoints. What would happen if you let go of these beliefs? Are there any counterexamples or exceptions that contradict them? When have these agreements been proven untrue? What do these agreements make you feel about yourself or your abilities that deep down you know is untrue?
5. Rewrite Unhelpful Thoughts: Now replace negative or limiting beliefs and agreements with more empowering ones. Instead of saying "I'm not good enough," try "I am worthy of love and respect." I also like replacing any victim-like “why” questions with more empowering “what” questions. For example, instead of “Why can’t I lose weight” you could begin to ask yourself “What steps do I need to take to lose weight for the last time?” Do you hear the difference? How might that shift in language reshape your story to a more empowered one? It might feel a little awkward at first, but with practice, you will start to believe it.
5. Practice Self-Compassion: Be nice to yourself throughout this process. You can’t commit to changing your inner dialogue while you’re still beating yourslf up on the daily. Challenging agreements does not happen overnight. It’s tough, and it's okay to stumble along the way. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer to a friend who’s working through unhelpful thought patterns as well.
Remember, these old beliefs and agreements have been hanging around in your subconscious for quite some time, so know that it’ll take time, patience, and persistence to rewrite the stories you tell yourself. Imagine being able to fully step into a new story, based on new, upgraded beliefs and agreements that you’ve committed to learning. Imagine the upgraded role you can take in your own life when you’ve unlearned the agreements that made you feel small and stuck. Imagine who you would be.
If you’d like to delve deeper, and finally get to the root cause of these limiting beliefs and agreements, hypnotherapy can help, and together, we can reinstall new, helpful ideas that become new beliefs over time. Change your story, change your life.
“Do not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” - Romans 12:2