Fear: Taking Back Control
This is what fear looks like. To others it might look like determination, or being “in the zone,” but I know the truth. My eyes are screaming self-doubt, and I wanted nothing more than to run far away from that (Tempe Town) lake. I wanted to quit before I had even started, as I had done just a month earlier when I froze, panicked, and bailed out of an event before even getting my face in the water.
Thirty minutes after this picture was taken I found myself gasping for air during the Olympic distance swim, frantically waving down one of the support kayaks while tugging at the neck of my wetsuit which suddenly felt 30x too small….Why were they taking so long to get to me?....This is what tunnel vision must look and feel like…I think I’m going under now….Why can’t I hear anything? My hand reached the nose of the kayak. I hung on for dear life, trying so hard not to cry.
And then I heard the question that changed everything for me: “Did you train in open water?” he asked. “Yes,” I shouted to the young man in the kayak. “A lot.” And that was the truth. Physically, I had every right to be there. Physically, I was prepared. Physically, I was a triathlete. I had completed many training swims in Lake Patagonia by myself, taking my time to acclimate to the water, getting my stroke smooth and rhythmic, with no one kicking me or swimming over top of me. Yet here I was today, with all those people around me in the water, feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. It was clear that when I got around a group of swimmers, in mass swim starts, my fear took over. My fight or flight went into overdrive. I was anything but calm and in control. So yes, I had trained, but it was clear I had overlooked one very important part of training- being mentally prepared. This was the exact moment that it all came together for me. I could train as hard as I wanted to physically, but if I kept lining up on event days with self-doubt and fear as my inner coach, all that time spent in the lake and the pool meant nothing if my mind was weak.
I hung on to the kayak for as long as that nice young man would let me, with him finally saying I either needed to let go and swim or he would tow me in and hand me an automatic DNF. Still terrified, I let go, and somehow, some way, I slowly finished the swim. And I mean slowly. It felt like every ten strokes I had to flip over on my back, do my best to float, stare at the sky and reset my breathing before starting again. I was one of the last to get out of the water that day, having saved my tears for the beach after I pulled myself out, in a heap of mixed emotions. I eventually made my way to my bike, tears streaming down my face, oddly feeling both defeated and victorious, and finished that damn race.
This was the year that I learned first-hand the power of mindset. It was 2011 and physically I was in the best shape of my life, but mentally I was wrecked and weak. I was already registered to compete in my first Ironman distance triathlon later in the year, and I knew I had only two choices: I either needed to regain control of my fear of the 2.4-mile open water swim or make the decision to drop out before race day.
Here's what I know: Fear is a universal human experience, with one job to do – to keep us small, stuck and the same. Often stemming from the unknown, or uncertainty about what lies ahead, fear is a primal instinct ultimately designed to keep us safe, usually manifesting in anxiety, insecurities, and paralyzing self-doubt, and absolutely thriving in an environment of self-criticism. For me, this often came in the form of comparison…comparing myself to other, more capable athletes at the starting line and starting the domino effect of self-destructive thoughts where success couldn’t stand a chance.
Instead of viewing my very real-to-me fear of open water swimming as an insurmountable obstacle, I knew I had to start looking at it as an opportunity for growth and learning, no matter how uncomfortable and terrifying it got. Because here’s the thing - adversity is a great teacher, and what it taught me in this instance is that my fear of open water swimming wasn’t QUITE as strong as my fear of failure, and that’s all I needed to know. I simply did not want to quit on myself. I already knew the emotional pain that came along with that, and I didn’t want that to become too familiar, as though it was a part of my story.
Embracing a growth mindset and adopting the power of YET (“I’m not comfortable competing in open water YET”) I began to believe in my capacity to adapt, evolve, and overcome my fear of mass swim starts. I practiced mental imagery and created my own technique I termed “in-the-box thinking” to keep my mind steady on uplifting people, scenarios, and thoughts while swimming. I was putting in the reps in my mental gym. My mindset was getting jacked.
By taking back control over my mind, and simply shifting my thoughts and visualizing my success, I taught myself that I can do anything uncomfortable for a given amount of time…in the case of an Ironman swim, about 90 minutes. Long story short…the time I put into my mental training paid off, and I became an Ironman finisher for the first time later that same year.
All of this happened before I discovered the undisputable power of hypnotherapy, and looking back I now realize I was engaging in self-hypnosis without even realizing it. Through repetition and visualization, I was crafting a new story…creating a new desirable ending, as though it had already happened, and with consistency my mind began to believe it. More than a decade later, as a trained hypnotherapist, I now help my clients work to reframe fear-based thought patterns and visualize their success in many different areas, from social anxiety, career change, to performance anxiety in both sports and the workplace. Using science-based techniques, I help my clients uncover and understand the real root of their fear, unlearning limiting beliefs that hold them back. Basically, I help my clients super-charge their mindsets and mental training using cognitive behavioral hypnotherapy principles so they can move past fear and reach their goals.
What fears are holding you back? I’d love to connect with you and discuss how hypnotherapy can help.
“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand: it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’ Isiah 41:13